Storm Season Approaches

Storm season is rapidly approaching in the Northern Nevada area. Are you prepared?
With the prospect of wind, snow, ice, and possible power-outages looming, preparing for winter is more than bringing out the heavy coats and blankets. Here’s a few ideas to get you started...

Stage your flashlights and camping lanterns strategically around the house. Put them in areas where they will be accessible during power outages. Candles are great for mood lighting, but they also represent a fire hazard during the night, when the need for artificial lighting is greatest.
Check and replace batteries (as necessary) for your flashlights, battery-backup alarm clock, smoke/carbon monoxide detectors, and radio. Having a radio handy that can also get the weather alert station will help keep you informed. Don’t forget your car battery, too!
Keep your floors and entry/exits as clear as possible. You don’t want to cause yourself injury if you’re stumbling around in the dark.
Keep water stocked, in case your pipes freeze. You might have a heat tape on the pipes under your house, but you never know when a water main could freeze, crack, or completely blow. Keep drinking water stored as well as a few jugs to flush toilets.
Keep enough canned food to last your household for 3-7 days... and a device to cook it. All of the canned ravioli in the world isn’t going to taste any better if you don’t have a way of heating it. A small propane camp stove is perfect. Just store it under your kitchen sink until you need it. Many people I know keep theirs with the rest of their camping supplies, then have to go out into the cold and snow to dig it out of storage. Dig it out now.
Don’t keep a lot of frozen or refrigerated foods. Shop more often, buy less. If you lose power for a few days, you could lose everything in your refrigerator-freezer. Clean it out, eat it now.
Stay on top of your laundry and dish-washing! You don’t want to be caught with mounds of dirty clothes and dishes with no way of cleaning them.
Keep some baby wipes and paper plates around, too. Remember, if you lose electricity and/or water, it’s going to be like camping indoors.
Put an emergency pack in your vehicle! If you get caught out in a snow drift, you’re going to need food, water, warmth, and a way to signal for help. Don’t forget to add something for entertainment, too. Kids’ toys, games, a book or two, note pad and pen, etc. Since batteries drain their charge when cold, a small flashlight attached to your key chain or in your purse is a much better idea than keeping one in your trunk. Keep your gas tank full, too.
Store a small chest of tools in a closet somewhere. Searching for a hammer so you can hang plastic over a broken window during a storm really sucks. Speaking of plastic... heavy, clear plastic and a roll of duct tape are a couple more items to store in your closet.
If you do lose electricity for an extended period, be prepared to gather everyone into one room to sleep. Close off all other rooms with blankets or plastic, especially bathrooms, since they’re a heat-sink due to all of the water pipes and tile. Use your body heat to heat the room. DO NOT use barbecues an other devices that produce a lot of carbon monoxide to stay warm. You could even set up a tent in your living room (minus the tent stakes) to stay even warmer!

These are just a few ideas to get you thinking of winter time preparation.

Autumn Ramblings...

The squirrels are retreating to their burrows... snakes are moving slowly, even in the sun...
Chevrons of geese overhead...Milkyway shining clearer...
It won't be long now...

Half of the garden is ready to be turned under, the other half still shivers through the night...
Canning, drying, and freezing the meager harvest...
Draining, covering, storing, tarping... so much to do...

The Hunter challenges, "Make your choice..."
The Crone whispers, "...wisely."

Let go of the many, so that the few may prosper. Choose. Cull the herd.

The most precious commodities are irreplaceable resources: time and attention.

... and so I choose.

Much like pruning branches, I will be trimming my life this winter.
These past three months have been challenging to my personal resources already... and so I will be directing them all toward those most important in my life.

There will be another time... when "grain" is plentiful once again... and I may choose to spend more resources on these other things again... but for now, my focus is near-sighted and clear.

Can you imagine?

Driving down a dusty dirt road... rocky cairns jut up from the high desert floor, surrounded by sagebrush and native grasses. Barbwire fences stretch along the ditch. You approach your destination, an oasis of green among the sun-beaten landscape, tall poplars and aspen float gently on the summer breeze. Small cabins nestle under the leafy giants.
The parking lot is filling up with cars and smiling faces. Yard wagons are used to transport gear to the shady areas beyond a rustic wooden fence. Children run from cabins and tents, gathering up playmates and racing to the playground. Teens group near the horseshoe pits, greeting each other after some time apart.
The wind shifts, and you can smell the garden in bloom. Berry bushes, orchard trees, and flowering plants sweeten the air. Come fall, there will be a huge harvest to prepare and preserve for winter.
The windmill creaks and groans with the slight breeze, but the solar panels are charging the batteries now.
Three young folk come out of the chicken coop with baskets. They laugh and talk, bragging that each has the largest egg. Others are throwing feed to the livestock farther out. The geese honk their displeasure at a dog romping through the edges of the pond.
Two young mothers have spread a blanket on part of the sparse lawn areas, watching their young ones getting some "tummy time" and learning to crawl. The babies laugh and coo at the Unseen Ones flitting about the rosebushes. Cheerful noise and wonderful smells come from the kitchen in the main house. The sign on the door says, "Welcome Home."

There are a few residents on the farm. There are displaced kids, some who came to live for the summer, and their caretakers. A few came when they aged-out of the foster system and had nowhere to go. They all take care of the farm, and the farm takes care of them.

In this place... there are no accidents... there are no misfits or weirdos... everyone is recognized for their talents, skills, abilities, and contribution... Everyone has Value for who they are, not just for what they do... and they know the value of others. Everyone is valid and validated. They are allowed to explore, experience, and express. Here, there is safety for the mind, body, heart, and spirit.

This place is a vision... its manifestation is my Intention.

Hope

Last night at Tent City was an exceptional experience that I'm going to share with you all... last night I was shown (again) that the Street Teams of Spread Peace Reno deliver much more than food, clothing and shelter... we have been delivering Hope and Faith.

When Laramie and I first started helping with the nightly meals, we met Danny. This Viet Nam veteran was gruff, stand-offish, pessimistic, and ornery. He had little faith in humankind, or even himself. He had little hope for the future, little drive or initiative, beyond Tent City. We have seen a remarkable blossoming of the man's spirit over the past months.
A few weeks into our service, Laramie had a meltdown at Tent City... when a gentleman there confided in her that he "wished the Lord would take him and alleviate his pain and suffering." Danny was there to console Laramie in her tears, and I believe that seeing her compassion for a man she had just met truly touched Danny's heart.
From that week on, Danny met us with a smile. He talked about going back to school to become a chef. He talked about working with the VA to get a roof over his head. He talked about inviting us to dinner for a meal of his own cooking.
He began speaking with Hope in his words. Last night, he showed us a key to a place with four walls and a roof.

During last evening's visit, Laramie and I heard a man singing a song from the movie "O Brother Where Art Thou?" so we joined in. Our songs and laughter touched the heart of another man... and last night we began bringing hope and faith to him. I don't know his name, so I'll call him Arkansas... since that's where he's from, and why the songs from the movie "take him back home."
At some point during this last week, Arkansas injured the L4 and L5 vertebrae in his spine. He is going to need surgery to correct it. After the surgery, he will be put in a place where he will get the physical and occupational therapy that he will need to gain employment... and he will have "three hots and a cot" for a while, too. But, until then, he will be sleeping on the ground in a tent. Through the loving donations from another, we were able to provide him with a pillow, a small measure of comfort, considering his physical condition.
The pillow was nice, but the songs did so much more. They had so much meaning for him... they were like a sign from the universe that he will be alright... hope.

When the Street Teams take food to Tent City, we are delivering more than meals... we are delivering Hope and Faith.
This is not faith in a greater power or god... not faith in humankind... not just faith in themselves... but Faith. The kind of Faith that is all encompassing... the kind that is more than a feeling, but a state of being.
They dare to Hope.
And in that Hope and Faith, they dare to feel ok with who they are... they begin to dare to dream... and in that dreaming, they begin to explore new horizons and think of ways to get to where they want to be... literally or figuratively... they dare to try... dare to succeed... and then they do.

And it all started with a bowl of soup... a smile... a hug... a song...

I am so grateful for the opportunity to really See this beauty.

Namaste'

Amazing synchronicity

This weekend was full of amazing moments.

I had scheduled a ceremony for a day that I thought would work well. I had figured that Gavin would have home already for at least a week, Cassi would have been settled in, etc. I didn't happen that way... I didn't have the energy resource to spend on trying to research an appropriate ceremony, etc... then I realized I really
didn't care, and neither did it matter.

I played a game with the kids, then talked about how "being accountable" is seen far too often in a negative light, and how I feel that accepting accountability for things we do that are Good is just as important.
To me, accepting accountability for growth and positives doesn't happen as often as it should. Often times we can accept recognition when other people tell us we've accomplished things... when they give us belts, cords, medals, certificates, diplomas, etc... but how often do we recognize accomplishment without someone else telling us we can claim it? Well, I claimed it for myself... and then thanked everyone for being there to help me with my accomplishments.

Then... this morning... an old friend called out of the blue... to tell me how his life is going... how wonderful his life has turned out... and he called to tell me that he appreciates me. He called to tell me that I accomplished something I had no idea I even did. He feels that I saved his life. After his first wife passed, he went off the deep end. He says I saved his life... by doing nothing more than just by being me. The talks we had were great and opened doors for him... but what gets him through the hard times he's experiencing now are the memories of being accepted, welcomed, and loved when so very many others had given up on him. His current wife needs a liver transplant... he has three children now, one that needs constant focused attention, and another that has to be fed through a tube... and yet, he's spiritually and emotionally ok. And he chose this morning to call to thank me for giving him a model to emulate.

I am so incredibly blessed and grateful. To know that I had an impact like that on one life, that extends to the many lives around him, his family, his friends, and the soldiers he's in charge of... I am so grateful that I was given such an amazing opportunity...

If I had one wish I could grant this moment, it would be that everyone could feel what I experienced this morning.

Feeling and Doing

How you feel emotionally about things is recorded in every cell of the body, in your personality, your mind, in your Core.
When we talk of giving charitably... of feeding the hungry, giving water to the thirsty, giving shelter to the homeless... what is being given and to whom it goes, are not essential to the wholeness of the giver. It is the feeling you experience when you openly, lovingly Give that registers within the giver.
When Love is the motivation, giving water to a dying plant or giving food to a hungry person gains as much Enlightenment and Knowing of Life and Creation as any meditation or religious practice.
Action is only a channel in which the feeling, the intent, is allowed to be expressed, experienced, and fills the eternal part of us.

Unpredictable Behavior

A couple years ago, when the economy started to tank heavily, several people in my life began making predictions regarding what they considered to be the imminent behavior of humans.
These predictions were rather dark & gloomy, boasting that the selfish and violent side of human behavior would prevail and degrade urban civilization into mobs of "me first" gangs by the summer of 2010.
People who made these predictions believe that human compassion is a concept that is implied by society, not an innate urge, and would be drastically reduced (or completely gone) by this point in the economic downturn.

Really?

I wonder how they're going to explain the actual urban trends... at least here in Reno, Nevada...
Violent crime (per thousand): Down.
Burglary: Down.
Contributions to local charities (not including world-wide relief efforts): Up.

It certainly doesn't show their predicted fall of society... I wonder how they will explain it.

Bombs or Medicine

I was talking to a friend the other day about classes and courses, and the people who take them, receive certification from them, and/or teach them... their actions, attitudes, etc...
Since our conversation, there's been a lot of chatter with some of the same questions and comments... so I'm tackling the topic here, giving my point of view...
When I was talking my friend, I explained it like this:
What we're talking about is a technology, like any other, and how they use it depends on their personal ethics and cultural values... like somebody with a degree in chemistry could make bombs or medicine, it all depends on application. All of the "How could they..." or "How dare they..." or other kinds of "What the hell?" type of thoughts you may have regarding their actions and attitudes indicates a difference of values and ethics.
Does that mean their values and ethics are wrong and bad, while yours are right and good?
ehhh... maybe, though not necessarily. Until you take a step back and look at the cultural lens, rather than through it, all it really means is that they're different.

That being said, let's take a look at what that cultural lens is, and how it plays out.

We each have a set of behavioral expectations that are connected to social roles... these are based on the cultural values, whether from an overall culture, an institutional culture, or from a personal micro-culture.

Behavioral expectations: this is a set of actions, activities, and attitudes that are accepted and expected... to act, think, or believe in ways contrary to these expectations is unacceptable or taboo within the culture promoting them.
Social roles: these are often labels we use to describe a certain sect of individuals who hold a position in society... examples would include: mother, sister, lover, friend, healer, teacher, student, clergy, etc
Values: more than simply an accepted morality, this also indicates the value of an ideal, symbol, attitude, belief, action, etc.

Behavioral expectations can be made into laws within the culture, though some are not. There are no laws that say you have to keep your nasal mucus from running down your face, but there is a behavioral expectation, isn't there? There may also be restrictions for people in health care roles, too. The behavioral expectation is based on a cultural value and taboo regarding bodily fluids.

Using the above example, let's take a look at tools and technologies. The same technology (wiping the face) is also used when little Johnny uses his sleeve to wipe off Aunt Martha's familial kisses. However, there are expectations and taboos regarding using the same tool (sleeve) to wipe snot from his nose.

Now let's look at the "How dare you - how could you - what the hell" type of thinking regarding behavioral expectations. I used to know an elderly woman who would have mortified if she saw me using toilet paper on my nose. In her belief, every proper woman would have a hanky stuffed up her sleeve or tucked into her purse for that purpose... and you just didn't use the same tool for your nose and your arse. She was VERY set in her behavioral expectations... to the point where any deviation was so unacceptable that it would severely hamper our relationship.

The same concept can be applied to religion, spirituality, spiritual technologies, and cultural methodologies.

Personally, I place a high Value on independence... I value expressions of individuality and diversity much more than those of conformity... and a negative value on "One-True-Way" beliefs and "My way is the right way" pressures.
There are people in my life who do not believe as I do... who have different opinions... even times when we are both using the same data to support dramatically opposed opinions (which actually happens a lot more than most realize)... and that's ok.
It doesn't mean that I want to consistently hang out with the people with dramatically opposed values and beliefs. And I strongly feel that to try to convince them to change their beliefs, values, and attitudes is an infringement upon their independence... but I don't have to be affected by them, either (laws excepted).

I do not have to engage in the drama of attempted proselytism... no one does... no one has to try to force their Values and behavioral expectations onto another person, regardless of the social role the other claims... that action is as much of a choice as anything the other does.

That's right. You have a choice. I know a lot of people who don't think they have that choice... they think that not responding would mean something more (or be seen as something more) than simple non-engagement... but all that extra, added meaning is actually a "superior/inferior" ego story that's been fluffed and stuffed with suppositions and inferences.

There's another aspect to intolerance, too... and that's the "once a bomb-maker, always a bomb-maker" attitude, that doesn't allow for personal growth... but this post is quite long enough.

Namaste

Ego Stories

What is an Ego Story, and how do they develop?
An Ego Story is a tale that we tell ourselves which may or may not be completely true. Regardless of the quantity or quality of verifiable facts, the ego uses these stories as a facet of our self-identification. Stories actually allow the Extrinsic Ego to affect deeper into the spiral and closer to our Core. Although the reasons the stories develop can vary, the process is generally the same.
The ego finds a dataset to work with, external to the person.
The dataset is compared to the self.
The dataset is compared to previous stories and experiences.
A value is placed on the dataset.
A story is created to place the self in a superior or inferior position, relative to the value of the dataset.

The ego self-identifies through the superior/inferior position within the story.

Let’s follow a few hypothetical people in hypothetical situations...

Jane is watching television one night and sees a commercial for wrinkle cream. Her ego grabs onto the message, “You don’t have to look old and wrinkled; you can look young and beautiful.” The commercial shows women of her age enjoying romantic encounters, happy family lives, successful careers, and active lifestyles. When Jane is readying for bed, she notices the lines and wrinkles on her face like she has never noticed them before. Her ego begins to tell her the story... the reason Jane is not living a fruitful life is because she’s showing signs of age... the women in the commercial are superior to Jane... wrinkles have a negative value, looking young has a positive value. Jane begins to think of all of the women in her life, comparing her signs of age to theirs. She beings to see herself as either superior or inferior to each woman by the amount of wrinkles and lines on their faces.

We can substitute virtually anything in the place of those wrinkles and lines. It could be a material possession, family name, an aspect of beauty, or any other facet that is outside of a person’s inner-self.

Lucy meets up with her friends at a bar for Ladies’ Night Out. Tammy proudly shows off the jewelry a new boyfriend gifted to her. Lucy’s ego takes her on a stroll down Memory Lane to a time when Lucy’s sister received jewelry as an apology for her boyfriend’s cheating ways. Before long, Lucy is telling her other friends that Tammy’s new boyfriend “must be a cheating, lying creep.”

Lucy’s ego feels superior to others because she feels she knows something they don’t know, although most of the story is a creation of the ego, unsupported by the facts of the known dataset. The subject and players in the story can be substituted with an infinitude of variations... "I used to live in a bad area, so I know a criminal when I see one"... "I used to get picked on by jocks, so I know they're all terrible people"... etc.

Tammy's ego feels superior to the others because her boyfriend spent a lot of money on her, and it's something the other ladies don't have.

ANY story that creates a superior/inferior situation is an Ego Story that sabotages our relationship with Core.

Is That So?

I don't know how many times I've said something like, "It's a struggle to stay positive when I'm being bombarded with negativity..."

I recently realized that "struggling to stay positive" is much like "f*cking to stay a virgin." It doesn't make sense... and the more I contemplate it, the less it adds up.

So what does make sense? How would one deal with negativity in a positive way? The answer is not resisting or allowing it to influence you.

I'm still working on it... haven't perfected the skill quite yet... but I have a better understanding of the working concept...

The Zen Master Hakuin lived in a town in Japan. He was held in high regard and many people came to him for spiritual teaching. Then it happened that the teenage daughter of his next-door neighbor became pregnant. When being questioned by her angry and scolding parents as to the identity of the father, she finally told them that he was Hakuin, the Zen Master. In great anger the parents rushed over to Hakuin and told him with much shouting and accusing that their daughter had confessed he was the father. All he replied was, "Is that so?"

News of the scandal spread throughout the town and beyond. The Master lost his reputation. This did not trouble him. Nobody came to see him anymore. He remained unmoved. When the child was born, the parents brought the baby to Hakuin. "You are the father, so you look after him." The Master took loving care of the child. A year later, the mother remorsefully confessed to her parents that the real father of the child was the young man who worked at the butcher shop. In great distress they went to see Hakuin to apologize and ask his forgiveness, "We are really sorry. We have come to take the baby back. Our daughter has confessed that you are not the father." "Is that so?" is all he would say as he handed the baby back over to them.

The Master responds to falsehood and truth, bad news and good news, in exactly the same way: "Is that so?"

He allows the form of the Moment, good or bad, to be as it is and so he does not participate in the human drama of the "superior/inferior" stories of ego.

Events are not personalized. He is nobody's victim. He is so completely at one with what happens that what happens has no power over him anymore.

Only if you resist what happens are you at the mercy of what happens, and the world will determine your happiness and unhappiness.

Gift Worthy?

I recently encountered a situation that was very confusing... just can't seem to wrap my mind around it... so, I'm writing it out to try to figure it out...

My daughter was sent a gift. A beautiful gift by some beautiful people, and it really made her day to know that someone in her life considered her to be "gift-worthy." This lovely gesture was blemished by another person in our lives who took the attitude that somehow it reflected on my daughter's spending habits... not the person who sent the gift, but the person receiving it.... ????
I don't understand. Really don't understand.
Should we not accept gifts?
Should I have not accepted the kayaks I got for fifteen years of service at IGT?
... the televisions and other furniture from David's parents?
... the travel trailers, refrigerators, and other things from friends?
... the various office equipment, clothing or other personal goods?
If we don't have the money to pay for the object ourselves, then we're obligated to not accept the object as a gift?
Is that how it works?
I'm not sure.

Snowflakes and Fingerprints

“People are like dirt. They can either nourish you and help you grow as a person or they can stunt your growth and make you wilt and die.” ~ Plato
My new friend, Chris Tinney, posted that quote on my Facebook page a couple weeks ago... and I’ve been contemplating it, and many other things, ever since.

I’ve been thinking about the movie “What the Bleep Do We know” and the water crystals...

I’ve been thinking about the book “A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose” and the ego-transcending lessons...

I’ve been thinking about all of the researching and searching... finding and redefining... growth and change...

I’ve been feeling and experiencing... wonder and awe... joy and compassion... love and contentment...

Living with intention, rather than sleepwalking in reactionary mode... and realizing that intention is much more than making plans...

Learning how to unclench my grip on afflictions... problematic emotions... transparency...

There is strength in letting go...

There is much freedom in letting go of past self-definitions... a reworking...

Learning how to project compassion with kindness... towards myself as well as others...

I find myself in love with the world....

Feeling more like a snowflake than a fingerprint

Odds & Ends

Last week was a little disjointed, energy-wise... much like the weather here in the high desert, I guess... a bit of sun, a bit of wind, a bit of rain or snow, a bit more sun, and so it goes...

I was denied a job because I don't have enough experience with a shovel and rake... really? Really. I guess all those summers doing side jobs landscaping and the last several years working in the Community Gardens don't count.

We almost have Cassi's room ready for her and baby... should have it done by the end of today.

Applied for a few Army civilian contractor jobs... 13-18 month stints in different locations in the Middle East... Bahrain, Afghanistan, United Arab Emirates... distance sucks, but I need a job. Like Rocky says, I can study, accept, and adapt to cultures relatively quickly.

I was once told, many years ago, "There are people who have to go out to experience the world... but there are those (like you) who don't have to, because the world shows up on their doorsteps." I'm still not entirely sure that's true of me and my life... though it seems to be coming around lately.

I've noticed the bird song is changing from the winter "where's the food? where's the food? where's the food? where's the food?"... to the spring time "oh, hey, how You doin'? like my tail feathers? whatcha doin' Saturday night? your nest or mine?"

Finally got David to enroll in TMCC... might still have to kick him in the ass before he calls and makes an appointment for a counselor... or make it for him and drive him down there.

Got a (joking) marriage proposal from one of the guys at Tent City last week... when he asked, "How did you get so beautiful?", I had to bite my tongue. It probably wouldn't have been right to tell him, "You think I'm beautiful because you're hungry, and I'm fat and have food."
Then again... what is beauty?
I do believe that everyone is a beautiful, spiritual being underneath all the human trappings... even those who forget, and live so far into the peripheral ego that they lose sight of their Core... but that's just me.

I can't wait until I can get outside and start working the land again... although I know that by the time October rolls around, I won't even want to look at a shovel. I know it's getting close... the weeds are already starting to come up... the evil mutant weeds that laugh at anything less than Agent Orange.
As soon as the ground thaws, I need to turn the soil in the boxes and the compost. I won't be able to turn two of the compost piles until June or so... when the ground squirrel babies emerge from the tunnels and nests they've built in the piles.
Regardless of weather... in a couple more weeks, I have got to get the peas, broccoli, and spinach planted... they like the cold.

It looks like one of the chickens got into a scrap with something... she lost a few claws somehow, along with quite a bit of blood... don't know if she'll survive it, but I'm keeping an eye on her.

.... as scattered as the weather....

Simplicity

It's really quite simple, folks...

If you don't want to participate in the things I'm doing, then don't participate.
If you don't believe in the concepts of what I'm doing, then don't give them consideration.
If you "don't want to hear about it," then don't watch the videos or read this blog.


If you continue to send messages to dissuade me from these things that inspire me, I will just simply stop reading anything you send.
It really is that easy.

Are we clear?

Choices

I was living with my Aunt Beth (who makes the absolute best homemade donuts ever) and attending North Eugene High...
One morning I grabbed up a small bag of the delicious pastry morsels to share with my friends, put them in with my sandwich, and headed off to school.
As I walked through the fast food restaurant parking lot toward River Road, I saw something that made my heart fall into my boots. A young boy sat at one of the patio tables outside the closed restaurant, feasting on cold fries and partial hamburgers. An older gentleman rummaged through the trash cans, drinking the dregs of "fry sauce" packages and devouring every bit of food he found. I would have guessed their ages at 6 and 60.
I paused for just a moment, taking in the scene and processing all of emotions overwhelming me. As I started walking toward them, the boy hid under the table. The older man began speaking in a language I didn't understand, but the pleading tone of his voice and hand gestures was unmistakable. I smiled at him and raised my hands, to communicate that I meant him no harm, and handed over my lunch sack.
Both his eyes and mine filled with tears of gratitude... his for the food, mine for the opportunity to reach out and make a positive contribution to their lives.

It really is that easy.

The choice is yours, every day, to make a positive contribution or turn away.
You may have stories or circumstances about why you can't, won't, or shouldn't help.
It may be completely against your personal values and ethics to help others... and I accept that... or maybe you will only help certain people, or people in certain situations... and I accept that... but don't try to tell me, "It's not that easy."

What was I thinking?

I can't sleep.
I'm not sure if it's because of the bulldog "chasing rabbits" against my back or because I just can't seem to flip the off switch on my mind... in any case, there's a whole lot of words floating around in my head that were getting pretty impatient... so, here I am.

The topic of tonight's musings is a special edition of "What was I thinking?"

No, I'm not going to entertain you with humorous stories and anecdotes... at least not this time... this is the more "serious" side of things... the kind where you think back and just have to shake your head and wonder... and hope you've grown out of it.

Tonight we're talking about trying too hard to be someone else so you can fit in, only to eventually realize the "in-crowd" could see right through it and you pretty much looked like a fool.

I got a couple extra t-shirts on that one... maybe I should donate them to homeless... hmm.

Before I turned 32 or so, I rarely fit in anywhere... the turning point for me, I think, was when I began to develop a "micro-culture" around me that allowed for my own special cultural deviance. Beyond not knowing how to create such a place, it was a difficult task, considering I had no idea I was even doing it at the time.

But before all... *waves hands around*... that... I tried reaaaaaallly hard to fit my round ass into square pigeonholes. A lot.
And I tried too hard. A lot.
And I failed. A lot.
And it was obvious what I was doing. A lot.

I look back and I can see instance after instance where all I can do is shake my head and feel grateful and hopeful that I've grown past that.
Oh, I still have set-backs every now and then, when I encounter a situation where I'm not accepted... and when I come to my senses, the first thing that crosses my mind is, "What was I thinking?"

I've recently been told that I shouldn't put "negative" labels on myself (see the previous post "The Uncanny Margie").
Who the hell said that it was "negative?"
I don't conform well to what some people believe I should act like and be like... I recognize that, I'm ok with that.
I acknowledge that some people view me as "uncanny" because I don't fit in their square pigeonhole. I'm ok with that.
so... tell me, just what part of that makes it "negative?"

People will see what they want to see... and if that means they see me as uncanny or negative or in need of mental help, then that's what they'll see.
I'm not going to try to conform to the norm.
I've got enough of those "What the hell was I thinking?" moments.

The Uncanny Margie

I was talking to a friend last night... and he told me something that I find really interesting and confuddling at the same time. He was trying to give me a different perspective on how some people view me, my actions, motivations, and work. He told me some people have a really hard time understanding because I am “uncanny.”

So... basically... if I reside in the “uncanny valley” of their perceptions, as he believes... then I’m ranking right in there with androids, prosthetics, corpses, and zombies.
In their perceptions, I resemble a human, but don’t act like what a human is supposed to act like and don’t think like what a human is supposed to think like. I’m “too lifelike” without being “real,” although they can sense that I am “real”... like those china dolls that give me shivers down my spine, I am just as “creepy.”
In reaction to my strangeness and unfamiliarity, they respond in a few different ways:
“Stop acting like that. Stop doing the things you’re doing.”
“I don’t understand the motives you claim for doing this. I’ll just create my own story about why you’re doing it, something I’m familiar with that I can understand.”
“You’re weird. I don’t want to be around you.”
“You’re too different. I’m going to beat you up.”

Of course there are some people who understand me and identify with what I’m doing... but they don’t consider me to be “uncanny.”

I’m actually rather familiar with being perceived as uncanny.
I still remember the whispers from when I was in grade school... small towns aren’t very accepting when you’re a “strange child.” I was too giving, too caring, felt too much sympathy and empathy. I could see things no one else saw, felt things other people didn’t feel, believed in things others didn’t.
All of this translated in my young adult years as, “You’re such a cute little country bumpkin.”
As an adult I’ve been dubbed as naïve and “fluffy.”
And now, I’m “uncanny.”

Is that so?

I believe in the good in mankind. I believe in innocent until proven guilty. I believe that all men are created equal... and stay equal. I believe we can overcome indoctrination. I believe we can evolve, that we don’t have to live in the past. I believe that healthy people will act in altruistic ways when given the chance. I believe that if we focus on the positive in our lives, we will bring more positives into our lives. I believe in many things that others may not understand.
If that makes me strange, naïve, fluffy, or uncanny... so be it.

Boundaries of Shame and Joy

Many years ago, when my son was still an infant babe, my small family lived in low income apartments in Junction City, Oregon. It was our first Halloween as a family. I wanted it to be special, but I had no idea how special it was really going to be. Most of the families there couldn't afford costumes or make-up... many of them were struggling like we were... like I had for most of my life.
I put my son in his stroller, and I went on a mission... I got donations from every store in town to help these kids. I even got the apartment manager involved and we created a haunted house out of one of the apartments that couldn't be rented because of plumbing issues.
We led the kids around the block in our little Halloween Parade, then ended up at the Haunted Apartment for screams and scares and my solo rendition of the Shakespearean witches of Macbeth.
That night the apartment complex was filled with the sounds of children laughing, when most nights we just prayed for the angry, hungry, and frightened noises to calm.
For that one night, the children were happy... and I felt a Joy that I couldn't find words to express.

From that time on, I wanted to help whoever I could, however I could... I wanted everyone to feel the Joy I had experienced.

But, as the Fates do weave, I hadn't learned about setting Boundaries in my life... and so I allowed people into my life who took advantage of my giving nature... people who would take what I had to give and then expect (or even demand) more... people who felt no gratitude, only greed...
Without Boundaries to protect me, I was drained...
Without Boundaries, I was lost...
I allowed others to sway my perceptions until I saw through the eyes of a condemning judgmentalist.
The Joy I had once felt was replaced with cynical, jaded, begrudging skepticism.

I stopped giving... and I lost more of me...

It was around that time when I was approached by another who was requesting help... not for herself, but for a neighbor up the street. She was going back east to visit relatives, and wanted to make sure someone stopped in to bring him food while she was gone. I told her I would "see what I could do" but I really didn't try to do anything.
My ego immediately began to develop stories about this person in need... stories about who the person "really" is, and the "real" reason they need help, etc.
Then my ego began to attach emotions to those stories... anger, resentment, self-righteousness, and all of those other emotions the ego could use to convince me that the person was "undeserving"... the "Why should I help, if they don't help themselves? I've been poor and I've survived, they just need to suck it up" story of superiority.

Such is the way of the ego.
Ego stories are rarely true... but facts aren't often checked when the ego has a firm grip on what you believe reality to be.

In my inaction, a man died.
He starved to death.
He was a shut-in with no transportation, no phone.
He was a decorated Veteran on limited income... barely enough to cover the mortgage and utilities.
He was survived by his only son... who only visited once every two or three months... from Carson City.

I will Never make that mistake again.

Even though I have helped many people through the years since then, it's only recently that I've been able to experience even a glimmer of the Joy I once had.

Finally, I am able to set true boundaries...
... so that I am not acting out of shame and guilt for my previous inaction... thus over-compensating and draining myself of resources I need for my own family.
... so that those who are caught up in feelings of expectant entitlement or intended dependence will understand my boundaries... and will not drain me or my resources dry.
... so that when I give or deny, it's not about ego or the stories it tells... but about the recognition of need and the ability to assist
Boundaries essentially hold ego in place, so I can get out of my own way.

May you all experience Joy.

Bold Honesty

I have read all manner of books on leadership styles, and have several more in my book case I haven't started... yet, with all of these "pearls" captured in so many works, why am I focusing on Mr King?

Not too long ago, a young adult relayed the following observation regarding the community:
"This community needs a Martin Luther King, but not in the same way the people did back then. Our biggest problem isn't coming from people who don't believe the same way we do... it's coming from the person sitting next to you in the meetings. Our greatest opposition comes from people inside our own community. Until that changes, it's going to be the same shit it's always been... and we [the next generation] will have to clean up after all you guys before we can actually build something."

There it is... the bold honesty of this community's youth.

I can't be a Martin Luther King... because I'm not Martin Luther King... and wouldn't presume to even try to be Martin Luther King.

I am not such a great leader as Martin Luther King Jr.
But I am a leader who admires his dedication and technique.
His work was not about him... but the Mission, the Cause.
As I realized that, I admired him all the more.

There were those who looked to Martin Luther King Jr and challenged him,
"Who are You to speak for me? You don't speak for All of Us!"

There were those whose lives became Very uncomfortable due to his actions, who became angry at the added discomfort, and challenged,
"Why are you doing this? We didn't ask you to do this for us!"

Martin Luther King Jr didn't heed these oppositions from those who ultimately benefited from his work... and neither will I.

Graduating from Gradualism

There is another part of Martin Luther King Jr's great speech in Detroit that I would like to share with you all: "They say, "Why don’t you do it in a gradual manner?" Well, gradualism is little more than escapism and do-nothingism, which ends up in stand-stillism."

I have also heard such a cry out among the Nay-Sayers around me.
They say the community is not ready for such grand dreams I have.
They say the people are not willing to change... it's too uncomfortable... it's not the way we've always done it.
They say our small group is doing too much... we're making the others look bad.
They say "slow down"...

And to them I say
Unwilling to Change? It's too uncomfortable?
The germination of a seed is Change. The birth of an infant is Change.
Change is rarely comfortable. Comfort becomes complacency to the status quo... which becomes a stagnant death.
Change is necessary. Change for the sake of change is not progress... the Change must be for Purpose... and the Purpose must be for conscientious growth.

NOW is not the time to slow down.
NOW is when Life happens!
This community already has been moving at the pace of sap on snow.
Today... This minute... Life is happening, the World is spinning, and the stars still shine on this planet.
We do not gradually experience a moment of Life.
We do not gradually experience a moment of ecstatic Understanding.
We do not gradually experience a paradigm shift of Awareness.

THIS is our Moment.
If you blink too slow, you'll miss it.

My mission

During a speech in Detroit, on June 23, 1963... Martin Luther King Jr said, "I submit to you that if a man hasn't discovered something he will die for, he isn't fit to live."

And while these simple words have been spoken to rally the masses in many years since... Mr King was not promoting violence in his speech.
He was advocating a change of culture, a change of the Values, Rules, and Social Roles of his time. He called for opposition of the intolerable through love.
"... It calls on them to engage in that something called love. And I know it is difficult sometimes. When I say "love" at this point, I’m not talking about an affectionate emotion." ... "I’m talking about something much deeper. I’m talking about a sort of understanding, creative, redemptive goodwill for all men."

Although he began many statements with these four words, Martin Luther King Jr said more than "I have a dream."
During this speech he said "I have a dream this afternoon that the brotherhood of man will become a reality in this day."

I share this dream.

I dream of a day when the culture of this community has matured and knows itself...

I dream of a sun rising over a community that fosters spiritual transcendence...

I dream of a People who can look beyond the tips of their own noses, outside of their holy books and temples, and seek reconnection with the Divine In Each Other...

I dream of a day when grandchildren and great-grandchildren take elderly hands in theirs and speak with compassion with ALL of their Brothers and Sisters...

I dream of a time when "Living Large/Well" means "Living Ethically"...

This can BE that day.

WE can create that day.

We ALL can be those People.

In the immortal words of Dr. Frankenfurter of the Rocky Horror Picture Show:
"Don't dream it... Be it."

To the Nay-sayers

To the Nay-Sayers in my life...
To those who speak disparagingly about assisting the same people time and again...
To those who question the worthiness of the needy...
To those who elevate the value of their time, effort, and energy to such a place that it is "untouchable" to those "unworthy"...

I acknowledge that I cannot change your point of view.

The Buddha once claimed that if every man knew the transcendence, peace, compassion, and contentment he would find through Giving, he would never want to eat another meal without sharing it... or something like that... I'm not very good at remembering quotes word-for-word... but the gist of it is there.

It's called Transpersonal Service.
It requires the practitioner to release the ego's "superior/inferior" stories...
...to realize that the Ego will always want MORE, and so must be released before true contentment can be experienced...
...to be consciously Aware and find Compassion for things outside of our own skin...
...to find Joy when another being experiences happiness...
...to serve without expectation or other personal motives...

I remember when I had become so jaded, cynical, and skeptical that I forgot these things... forgot who I am...

I remember now.

I feel compassion for you, Nay-Sayers.

My wish for you is to find Contentment.

To those who have spoken against my decision to take action and to take up certain responsibilities...
To those who cite "personal gain" and "making others look bad" as probable motives for my decisions...
Those who believe my path is folly...

My actions are my own... and I do not hold myself or others to the values and ethics that are not their own.
I do not and will not chastise you for inaction.
Neither will I carry the shame or guilt you may feel for your inaction.
And if you become hungry or cold... or are in need of pastoral care... guess what? I'll be there for you, too.

"Normal people suck."

Last night was a huge eye-opener for me. Especially regarding my recent "studies" of society, and cultural values, rules, and roles... and Fringe Dwellers.

Yesterday evening, Laramie and I took some clothing and hot food down to the Tent City on Record Street in Reno. We met several characters down there who were some of the most human people one could find in this city... then came home to find some incredibly vile emails in my inbox. I posted about how I felt on my Facebook and Myspace:

"We went down to Tent City today to hand out the clothes already donated... fed several people some chili and biscuits... and all in all a really good time. The sewing kits and hygiene products were given to one of the "regulars," one of the women who look out for and help the other women and young people who come in.
You know... it's incredible... I sit here reading petty crap emails from people whose values are so set into the extrinsic ego... listen to people express disdain for humans they have stereotyped into this homogeneous, faceless, nameless, "lowly" caste... and I am ready to go back to the people on Record Street, because they're REAL, honest about who they are, and live close to their Core. I would rather go sit and talk with the men whose wives and children are being taken care of while they shiver in the snow, who are genuinely Grateful that their loved ones are safe and warm. I would rather go hug one of the women there who has no children and so can't get assistance. I would rather go eat with the clean cut young man in the nice dress shirt and slacks who has applied for jobs but still can't get one because he doesn't have a physical address or phone number for the employer to call. I would rather go break bread with the drunken lunatic whose jokes are so far "out there" that only he can understand them. I would rather go listen to the stories of the Veterans standing in line for soup, but who still can't come home from the war. I would rather dedicate my time, effort, and energy to that Fringe Dweller community rather than listen to the prejudiced rhetoric I've been forcing myself to read today. "

But there's more that I'd like to share here:

I also had to opportunity to speak with a gentleman who chooses to keep his "house" by the river, rather than staying at Tent City... because there's too many Normal people at Tent City and "Normal people suck. They're mean and greedy and don't know what life is."

I took me long hours of searching for the words to express how this simple statement really affected me. It was a shift of perception for me... one that I'm grateful to have experienced. Beyond the material items needed for life, there's a profound difference between the average person in the modern Western society and those who live in tents and tarps by the river: what they Value.

My thoughts wander back to the clean cut young man... and realize he was one of those Normal people... he was angry that I didn't have anything that fit him. He was still living with a sense of Entitlement rather than Gratitude... an attitude that doesn't gain much respect in the Fringe society.

When I think about all of the Normal people who have talked down about my work with and for the homeless, I have to laugh...
I wonder how the Normal people would feel if they knew that they have been labeled among others in a homogenized, faceless, nameless, "lowly" caste because their Values and Rules are among those who have been rejected by the Fringe Dweller society.

I think of the woman in Tent City who is affectionately called "Doc Mom," because she dedicates her time, effort, and energy to helping, nursing, and caring for other homeless people. Her "wings" cover those who are sick, injured, young, and/or new to homelessness... yet mainstream society will never officially recognize her for her work... because she doesn't fit the societal norm.

You see... these Fringe Dwellers don't really base their value system on how much or how little you own... or how much you give to them... but on how you Live and how you Act toward others.

Then I look at modern Western culture... mainstream society... those who hold onto their Ego so tightly... who self-identify through the stories that Ego tells them... who believe that these others are "unworthy" of their energy and efforts, which really means the Ego has labeled them in a "superior/inferior" relationship... those who act so ugly to each other... and I begin to understand why some of the greatest spiritual leaders of our time on this planet... people like Gandhi, Mother Teresa, Buddha, and Jesus... spent more time with the poor than the privileged.

Fringe Dwellers

In every main culture across the globe, there are those who live in the edges, the Fringe Dwellers; those whose Values, Rules, and Roles do not match the cultural model, are not accepted by the norm of society. Every society has them, and those people who have been indoctrinated into societal normalcy don’t like them. Their lifestyles challenge the Collective Ego of society that thinks in the absolutes and definitions of "compliant" and "deviant." These absolutes often leads to “One-True-Way-ism” and the “We’re right – you’re wrong” stories of Collective Extrinsic Ego.

Values are relatively generalized beliefs of virtues and moralities, meaning and merit, putting value or importance to aspects of the culture. These include culturally accepted symbols and archetypes that hold meaning, and the society’s view on art and beauty.
Cultural Rules dictate which behavior patterns and attitudes that are expected, accepted, or prohibited. Although some Cultural Rules are made into Laws, many of the behavioral expectations that govern our lives are not (like blowing your nose in public). These are usually ideals and ways of belief or living that we take for granted. They form and are formed by the collective Values of the culture in which we live. These are the Expectations that are not usually Law, but enforced through the Egoic "peer pressure" to conform to a Social Role.

Social Roles are sets of cultural expectations of individuals in specific situations and circumstances. These roles are defined by the culture or subculture, dependent on the Values and Rules associated with the role and behavior, and are known to differ greatly between cultures and subcultures. Characteristics attributed to Social Roles are arbitrary and subjective. The roles we tend to take for granted may not be present in other cultures, or may change drastically.

Social Roles tend to find a distinctive place in the individual and/or collective ego. As Social Roles become institutionalized and part of the norm, society often loses sight of the cultural significance the expectations originally held. Another shortfall is the stagnation of the culture; society may fiercely defend an ideal that needs to change in order to support growth and evolution.

Modern Western society often struggles between situational fluctuations (such as economic difficulties, advances in technology, etc), and the desire to maintain cultural status quo. This collective “tightening grip” of Egoic peer pressure may actually encourage further development of the fringe societies who actively reject the Values, Rules, and Roles. This rejection elicits Tricksteresque behavioral deviance that may be considered disgusting, embarrassing, frustrating, annoying, or even threatening to the societal norm. Although the cultural institution is striving to bring the limit closer to the comfortably defined center, the original meaning of the prohibitions is blurred, lost, or is no longer necessary in the evolution of the culture.

It is the Collective Ego of modern Western culture that dictates we must all chase that elusive "American Dream." It's the cultural institution that dictates we must all try to get a good job, own a home, two cars, marry, and have children. It's the indoctrinated who feel threatened by those who refute these values... who neglect and reject anyone who doesn't conform to the subjective views of society. It's the people who are so entrenched in the Collective Ego of society that they cannot feel empathy, compassion, or acceptance for the Fringe Dwellers. They shelter themselves and their children from seeing the homeless... speak with contempt of those who choose non-conformist lifestyles... and get caught up in the "superior/inferior" dialogue of their own egos.

It really becomes interesting when the indoctrinated themselves also belong to a subculture that was once so far "outside the lines" of cultural normalcy that it was considered the Fringe.

Living Without Fear

Back in October 2007, I had a stroke. A TIA to be exact. It's when the body throws several small blood clots instead of one big one. Just as dangerous and possibly debilitating.
I'm re-posting some of my reaction to the stroke (from my other blog)... because I think there are some others who could benefit from what I had to say

**
A lot of people have said "omg, you must have been so scared..."
hmm....
no.... not really... on a scale of 1 to 10... one being nothing, five being anxious, and ten being peeing-your-pants... I'd rate my anxiety and concern at about a 4 at it's highest point... which was right after it all started. I went into "damage control mode" and really didn't feel anything over about a 2.5 after that. I was concerned, but there was no "oh shit factor"... it was... "ok, let's deal with this, whatever this is going to be, and move on"

One of the reasons people can have a stroke (or TIA) is from stress and anxiety. Usually from fear.
The fear of failure, the fear of loss, the fear of being passed up for that promotion, the fear of not getting everything handled before the deadline, the financial fears of living outside your means, the fear of the project not going as planned, the fear of letting people down, the fear of rejection or ridicule, etc.

Any of those sound familiar?

How many of us are more afraid of Life than we are of Death?
Many of us, on the spiritual path we've chosen, deal with dying, death, and the spirits of the dead on a regular basis.
And yet... how many of us still fear aspects of Life? is living scarier than dying?
Why should it be? Why fret over "shoulda-coulda-woulda's?"
Why let "what-if's" keep you quagmired at status quo?

Step out on a limb.
Don't fear failure.
Do it. Whatever "it" is.
If everyone played it safe all the time, we wouldn't have half what we do. If everyone gave up when they failed once, would we have these marvelous machines that allow us to talk like this, thousands of miles away? If everyone was afraid of getting themselves emotionally invested, how many social programs and charities would there be?
I'm not talking about taking on too much... I'm not talking about making your life so crazy-busy that you can't breathe...

I'm talking about Life Without Fear.

Think about it.

When we get the most anxious is when we're not living in integrity.
When we cringe every time the phone rings with the fear that it's a creditor calling for money we spent on something else.
When we dread the alarm clock in the morning because we're going to a job we've come to despise.
When we decide to stay backstage because we're too afraid of stepping into the spotlight.

My energy has been scattered helterskelter. For the fear of letting a few people down, I've spread myself too thin to be effective anywhere.
Time to focus.
Time to let go of the fear that I may hurt someone's feelings if I'm just not there to do it one more time.

I'm not going to slow down. I'm not going to take it easy. I'm going to be choosy. but I'm going to dance on that proverbial limb until it bears fruit.

Blessed

I'm feeling incredibly blessed today.
I found out that yet another one of my friend's lives has been affected by the economic downturn. Another home has been taken by another bank.
I'm so lucky. When David and I were purchasing this house, the loan officers tried to get us to "negotiate a better interest rate" and we said no. I remembered what I learned in my Economics classes... and I would have no talk of balloon payments, adjustable interest rates, or any of that. I wanted to know that I could depend on the same payment every month... no hedging bets... no adding on to the mortgage to make improvements.
There are so many I know who got caught in one of those traps... I can't tell you how saddened I am for them.
No, I'm still not working... but I was lucky there, too... I took the package from IGT... and I know so many who didn't... who were given nothing when they were laid off.
The money from the package is gone, but my hope is not.
This incredible turn of events has been a spiritual awakening for me as much as anything else... and I'm grateful for that.
While my children have come back home, and we are now juggling space with the combined households, it's been an adventure in personal development.

Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride...