What was I thinking?

I can't sleep.
I'm not sure if it's because of the bulldog "chasing rabbits" against my back or because I just can't seem to flip the off switch on my mind... in any case, there's a whole lot of words floating around in my head that were getting pretty impatient... so, here I am.

The topic of tonight's musings is a special edition of "What was I thinking?"

No, I'm not going to entertain you with humorous stories and anecdotes... at least not this time... this is the more "serious" side of things... the kind where you think back and just have to shake your head and wonder... and hope you've grown out of it.

Tonight we're talking about trying too hard to be someone else so you can fit in, only to eventually realize the "in-crowd" could see right through it and you pretty much looked like a fool.

I got a couple extra t-shirts on that one... maybe I should donate them to homeless... hmm.

Before I turned 32 or so, I rarely fit in anywhere... the turning point for me, I think, was when I began to develop a "micro-culture" around me that allowed for my own special cultural deviance. Beyond not knowing how to create such a place, it was a difficult task, considering I had no idea I was even doing it at the time.

But before all... *waves hands around*... that... I tried reaaaaaallly hard to fit my round ass into square pigeonholes. A lot.
And I tried too hard. A lot.
And I failed. A lot.
And it was obvious what I was doing. A lot.

I look back and I can see instance after instance where all I can do is shake my head and feel grateful and hopeful that I've grown past that.
Oh, I still have set-backs every now and then, when I encounter a situation where I'm not accepted... and when I come to my senses, the first thing that crosses my mind is, "What was I thinking?"

I've recently been told that I shouldn't put "negative" labels on myself (see the previous post "The Uncanny Margie").
Who the hell said that it was "negative?"
I don't conform well to what some people believe I should act like and be like... I recognize that, I'm ok with that.
I acknowledge that some people view me as "uncanny" because I don't fit in their square pigeonhole. I'm ok with that.
so... tell me, just what part of that makes it "negative?"

People will see what they want to see... and if that means they see me as uncanny or negative or in need of mental help, then that's what they'll see.
I'm not going to try to conform to the norm.
I've got enough of those "What the hell was I thinking?" moments.