Boundaries of Shame and Joy

Many years ago, when my son was still an infant babe, my small family lived in low income apartments in Junction City, Oregon. It was our first Halloween as a family. I wanted it to be special, but I had no idea how special it was really going to be. Most of the families there couldn't afford costumes or make-up... many of them were struggling like we were... like I had for most of my life.
I put my son in his stroller, and I went on a mission... I got donations from every store in town to help these kids. I even got the apartment manager involved and we created a haunted house out of one of the apartments that couldn't be rented because of plumbing issues.
We led the kids around the block in our little Halloween Parade, then ended up at the Haunted Apartment for screams and scares and my solo rendition of the Shakespearean witches of Macbeth.
That night the apartment complex was filled with the sounds of children laughing, when most nights we just prayed for the angry, hungry, and frightened noises to calm.
For that one night, the children were happy... and I felt a Joy that I couldn't find words to express.

From that time on, I wanted to help whoever I could, however I could... I wanted everyone to feel the Joy I had experienced.

But, as the Fates do weave, I hadn't learned about setting Boundaries in my life... and so I allowed people into my life who took advantage of my giving nature... people who would take what I had to give and then expect (or even demand) more... people who felt no gratitude, only greed...
Without Boundaries to protect me, I was drained...
Without Boundaries, I was lost...
I allowed others to sway my perceptions until I saw through the eyes of a condemning judgmentalist.
The Joy I had once felt was replaced with cynical, jaded, begrudging skepticism.

I stopped giving... and I lost more of me...

It was around that time when I was approached by another who was requesting help... not for herself, but for a neighbor up the street. She was going back east to visit relatives, and wanted to make sure someone stopped in to bring him food while she was gone. I told her I would "see what I could do" but I really didn't try to do anything.
My ego immediately began to develop stories about this person in need... stories about who the person "really" is, and the "real" reason they need help, etc.
Then my ego began to attach emotions to those stories... anger, resentment, self-righteousness, and all of those other emotions the ego could use to convince me that the person was "undeserving"... the "Why should I help, if they don't help themselves? I've been poor and I've survived, they just need to suck it up" story of superiority.

Such is the way of the ego.
Ego stories are rarely true... but facts aren't often checked when the ego has a firm grip on what you believe reality to be.

In my inaction, a man died.
He starved to death.
He was a shut-in with no transportation, no phone.
He was a decorated Veteran on limited income... barely enough to cover the mortgage and utilities.
He was survived by his only son... who only visited once every two or three months... from Carson City.

I will Never make that mistake again.

Even though I have helped many people through the years since then, it's only recently that I've been able to experience even a glimmer of the Joy I once had.

Finally, I am able to set true boundaries...
... so that I am not acting out of shame and guilt for my previous inaction... thus over-compensating and draining myself of resources I need for my own family.
... so that those who are caught up in feelings of expectant entitlement or intended dependence will understand my boundaries... and will not drain me or my resources dry.
... so that when I give or deny, it's not about ego or the stories it tells... but about the recognition of need and the ability to assist
Boundaries essentially hold ego in place, so I can get out of my own way.

May you all experience Joy.