Boundaries of Shame and Joy

Many years ago, when my son was still an infant babe, my small family lived in low income apartments in Junction City, Oregon. It was our first Halloween as a family. I wanted it to be special, but I had no idea how special it was really going to be. Most of the families there couldn't afford costumes or make-up... many of them were struggling like we were... like I had for most of my life.
I put my son in his stroller, and I went on a mission... I got donations from every store in town to help these kids. I even got the apartment manager involved and we created a haunted house out of one of the apartments that couldn't be rented because of plumbing issues.
We led the kids around the block in our little Halloween Parade, then ended up at the Haunted Apartment for screams and scares and my solo rendition of the Shakespearean witches of Macbeth.
That night the apartment complex was filled with the sounds of children laughing, when most nights we just prayed for the angry, hungry, and frightened noises to calm.
For that one night, the children were happy... and I felt a Joy that I couldn't find words to express.

From that time on, I wanted to help whoever I could, however I could... I wanted everyone to feel the Joy I had experienced.

But, as the Fates do weave, I hadn't learned about setting Boundaries in my life... and so I allowed people into my life who took advantage of my giving nature... people who would take what I had to give and then expect (or even demand) more... people who felt no gratitude, only greed...
Without Boundaries to protect me, I was drained...
Without Boundaries, I was lost...
I allowed others to sway my perceptions until I saw through the eyes of a condemning judgmentalist.
The Joy I had once felt was replaced with cynical, jaded, begrudging skepticism.

I stopped giving... and I lost more of me...

It was around that time when I was approached by another who was requesting help... not for herself, but for a neighbor up the street. She was going back east to visit relatives, and wanted to make sure someone stopped in to bring him food while she was gone. I told her I would "see what I could do" but I really didn't try to do anything.
My ego immediately began to develop stories about this person in need... stories about who the person "really" is, and the "real" reason they need help, etc.
Then my ego began to attach emotions to those stories... anger, resentment, self-righteousness, and all of those other emotions the ego could use to convince me that the person was "undeserving"... the "Why should I help, if they don't help themselves? I've been poor and I've survived, they just need to suck it up" story of superiority.

Such is the way of the ego.
Ego stories are rarely true... but facts aren't often checked when the ego has a firm grip on what you believe reality to be.

In my inaction, a man died.
He starved to death.
He was a shut-in with no transportation, no phone.
He was a decorated Veteran on limited income... barely enough to cover the mortgage and utilities.
He was survived by his only son... who only visited once every two or three months... from Carson City.

I will Never make that mistake again.

Even though I have helped many people through the years since then, it's only recently that I've been able to experience even a glimmer of the Joy I once had.

Finally, I am able to set true boundaries...
... so that I am not acting out of shame and guilt for my previous inaction... thus over-compensating and draining myself of resources I need for my own family.
... so that those who are caught up in feelings of expectant entitlement or intended dependence will understand my boundaries... and will not drain me or my resources dry.
... so that when I give or deny, it's not about ego or the stories it tells... but about the recognition of need and the ability to assist
Boundaries essentially hold ego in place, so I can get out of my own way.

May you all experience Joy.

Bold Honesty

I have read all manner of books on leadership styles, and have several more in my book case I haven't started... yet, with all of these "pearls" captured in so many works, why am I focusing on Mr King?

Not too long ago, a young adult relayed the following observation regarding the community:
"This community needs a Martin Luther King, but not in the same way the people did back then. Our biggest problem isn't coming from people who don't believe the same way we do... it's coming from the person sitting next to you in the meetings. Our greatest opposition comes from people inside our own community. Until that changes, it's going to be the same shit it's always been... and we [the next generation] will have to clean up after all you guys before we can actually build something."

There it is... the bold honesty of this community's youth.

I can't be a Martin Luther King... because I'm not Martin Luther King... and wouldn't presume to even try to be Martin Luther King.

I am not such a great leader as Martin Luther King Jr.
But I am a leader who admires his dedication and technique.
His work was not about him... but the Mission, the Cause.
As I realized that, I admired him all the more.

There were those who looked to Martin Luther King Jr and challenged him,
"Who are You to speak for me? You don't speak for All of Us!"

There were those whose lives became Very uncomfortable due to his actions, who became angry at the added discomfort, and challenged,
"Why are you doing this? We didn't ask you to do this for us!"

Martin Luther King Jr didn't heed these oppositions from those who ultimately benefited from his work... and neither will I.

Graduating from Gradualism

There is another part of Martin Luther King Jr's great speech in Detroit that I would like to share with you all: "They say, "Why don’t you do it in a gradual manner?" Well, gradualism is little more than escapism and do-nothingism, which ends up in stand-stillism."

I have also heard such a cry out among the Nay-Sayers around me.
They say the community is not ready for such grand dreams I have.
They say the people are not willing to change... it's too uncomfortable... it's not the way we've always done it.
They say our small group is doing too much... we're making the others look bad.
They say "slow down"...

And to them I say
Unwilling to Change? It's too uncomfortable?
The germination of a seed is Change. The birth of an infant is Change.
Change is rarely comfortable. Comfort becomes complacency to the status quo... which becomes a stagnant death.
Change is necessary. Change for the sake of change is not progress... the Change must be for Purpose... and the Purpose must be for conscientious growth.

NOW is not the time to slow down.
NOW is when Life happens!
This community already has been moving at the pace of sap on snow.
Today... This minute... Life is happening, the World is spinning, and the stars still shine on this planet.
We do not gradually experience a moment of Life.
We do not gradually experience a moment of ecstatic Understanding.
We do not gradually experience a paradigm shift of Awareness.

THIS is our Moment.
If you blink too slow, you'll miss it.

My mission

During a speech in Detroit, on June 23, 1963... Martin Luther King Jr said, "I submit to you that if a man hasn't discovered something he will die for, he isn't fit to live."

And while these simple words have been spoken to rally the masses in many years since... Mr King was not promoting violence in his speech.
He was advocating a change of culture, a change of the Values, Rules, and Social Roles of his time. He called for opposition of the intolerable through love.
"... It calls on them to engage in that something called love. And I know it is difficult sometimes. When I say "love" at this point, I’m not talking about an affectionate emotion." ... "I’m talking about something much deeper. I’m talking about a sort of understanding, creative, redemptive goodwill for all men."

Although he began many statements with these four words, Martin Luther King Jr said more than "I have a dream."
During this speech he said "I have a dream this afternoon that the brotherhood of man will become a reality in this day."

I share this dream.

I dream of a day when the culture of this community has matured and knows itself...

I dream of a sun rising over a community that fosters spiritual transcendence...

I dream of a People who can look beyond the tips of their own noses, outside of their holy books and temples, and seek reconnection with the Divine In Each Other...

I dream of a day when grandchildren and great-grandchildren take elderly hands in theirs and speak with compassion with ALL of their Brothers and Sisters...

I dream of a time when "Living Large/Well" means "Living Ethically"...

This can BE that day.

WE can create that day.

We ALL can be those People.

In the immortal words of Dr. Frankenfurter of the Rocky Horror Picture Show:
"Don't dream it... Be it."

To the Nay-sayers

To the Nay-Sayers in my life...
To those who speak disparagingly about assisting the same people time and again...
To those who question the worthiness of the needy...
To those who elevate the value of their time, effort, and energy to such a place that it is "untouchable" to those "unworthy"...

I acknowledge that I cannot change your point of view.

The Buddha once claimed that if every man knew the transcendence, peace, compassion, and contentment he would find through Giving, he would never want to eat another meal without sharing it... or something like that... I'm not very good at remembering quotes word-for-word... but the gist of it is there.

It's called Transpersonal Service.
It requires the practitioner to release the ego's "superior/inferior" stories...
...to realize that the Ego will always want MORE, and so must be released before true contentment can be experienced...
...to be consciously Aware and find Compassion for things outside of our own skin...
...to find Joy when another being experiences happiness...
...to serve without expectation or other personal motives...

I remember when I had become so jaded, cynical, and skeptical that I forgot these things... forgot who I am...

I remember now.

I feel compassion for you, Nay-Sayers.

My wish for you is to find Contentment.

To those who have spoken against my decision to take action and to take up certain responsibilities...
To those who cite "personal gain" and "making others look bad" as probable motives for my decisions...
Those who believe my path is folly...

My actions are my own... and I do not hold myself or others to the values and ethics that are not their own.
I do not and will not chastise you for inaction.
Neither will I carry the shame or guilt you may feel for your inaction.
And if you become hungry or cold... or are in need of pastoral care... guess what? I'll be there for you, too.

"Normal people suck."

Last night was a huge eye-opener for me. Especially regarding my recent "studies" of society, and cultural values, rules, and roles... and Fringe Dwellers.

Yesterday evening, Laramie and I took some clothing and hot food down to the Tent City on Record Street in Reno. We met several characters down there who were some of the most human people one could find in this city... then came home to find some incredibly vile emails in my inbox. I posted about how I felt on my Facebook and Myspace:

"We went down to Tent City today to hand out the clothes already donated... fed several people some chili and biscuits... and all in all a really good time. The sewing kits and hygiene products were given to one of the "regulars," one of the women who look out for and help the other women and young people who come in.
You know... it's incredible... I sit here reading petty crap emails from people whose values are so set into the extrinsic ego... listen to people express disdain for humans they have stereotyped into this homogeneous, faceless, nameless, "lowly" caste... and I am ready to go back to the people on Record Street, because they're REAL, honest about who they are, and live close to their Core. I would rather go sit and talk with the men whose wives and children are being taken care of while they shiver in the snow, who are genuinely Grateful that their loved ones are safe and warm. I would rather go hug one of the women there who has no children and so can't get assistance. I would rather go eat with the clean cut young man in the nice dress shirt and slacks who has applied for jobs but still can't get one because he doesn't have a physical address or phone number for the employer to call. I would rather go break bread with the drunken lunatic whose jokes are so far "out there" that only he can understand them. I would rather go listen to the stories of the Veterans standing in line for soup, but who still can't come home from the war. I would rather dedicate my time, effort, and energy to that Fringe Dweller community rather than listen to the prejudiced rhetoric I've been forcing myself to read today. "

But there's more that I'd like to share here:

I also had to opportunity to speak with a gentleman who chooses to keep his "house" by the river, rather than staying at Tent City... because there's too many Normal people at Tent City and "Normal people suck. They're mean and greedy and don't know what life is."

I took me long hours of searching for the words to express how this simple statement really affected me. It was a shift of perception for me... one that I'm grateful to have experienced. Beyond the material items needed for life, there's a profound difference between the average person in the modern Western society and those who live in tents and tarps by the river: what they Value.

My thoughts wander back to the clean cut young man... and realize he was one of those Normal people... he was angry that I didn't have anything that fit him. He was still living with a sense of Entitlement rather than Gratitude... an attitude that doesn't gain much respect in the Fringe society.

When I think about all of the Normal people who have talked down about my work with and for the homeless, I have to laugh...
I wonder how the Normal people would feel if they knew that they have been labeled among others in a homogenized, faceless, nameless, "lowly" caste because their Values and Rules are among those who have been rejected by the Fringe Dweller society.

I think of the woman in Tent City who is affectionately called "Doc Mom," because she dedicates her time, effort, and energy to helping, nursing, and caring for other homeless people. Her "wings" cover those who are sick, injured, young, and/or new to homelessness... yet mainstream society will never officially recognize her for her work... because she doesn't fit the societal norm.

You see... these Fringe Dwellers don't really base their value system on how much or how little you own... or how much you give to them... but on how you Live and how you Act toward others.

Then I look at modern Western culture... mainstream society... those who hold onto their Ego so tightly... who self-identify through the stories that Ego tells them... who believe that these others are "unworthy" of their energy and efforts, which really means the Ego has labeled them in a "superior/inferior" relationship... those who act so ugly to each other... and I begin to understand why some of the greatest spiritual leaders of our time on this planet... people like Gandhi, Mother Teresa, Buddha, and Jesus... spent more time with the poor than the privileged.

Fringe Dwellers

In every main culture across the globe, there are those who live in the edges, the Fringe Dwellers; those whose Values, Rules, and Roles do not match the cultural model, are not accepted by the norm of society. Every society has them, and those people who have been indoctrinated into societal normalcy don’t like them. Their lifestyles challenge the Collective Ego of society that thinks in the absolutes and definitions of "compliant" and "deviant." These absolutes often leads to “One-True-Way-ism” and the “We’re right – you’re wrong” stories of Collective Extrinsic Ego.

Values are relatively generalized beliefs of virtues and moralities, meaning and merit, putting value or importance to aspects of the culture. These include culturally accepted symbols and archetypes that hold meaning, and the society’s view on art and beauty.
Cultural Rules dictate which behavior patterns and attitudes that are expected, accepted, or prohibited. Although some Cultural Rules are made into Laws, many of the behavioral expectations that govern our lives are not (like blowing your nose in public). These are usually ideals and ways of belief or living that we take for granted. They form and are formed by the collective Values of the culture in which we live. These are the Expectations that are not usually Law, but enforced through the Egoic "peer pressure" to conform to a Social Role.

Social Roles are sets of cultural expectations of individuals in specific situations and circumstances. These roles are defined by the culture or subculture, dependent on the Values and Rules associated with the role and behavior, and are known to differ greatly between cultures and subcultures. Characteristics attributed to Social Roles are arbitrary and subjective. The roles we tend to take for granted may not be present in other cultures, or may change drastically.

Social Roles tend to find a distinctive place in the individual and/or collective ego. As Social Roles become institutionalized and part of the norm, society often loses sight of the cultural significance the expectations originally held. Another shortfall is the stagnation of the culture; society may fiercely defend an ideal that needs to change in order to support growth and evolution.

Modern Western society often struggles between situational fluctuations (such as economic difficulties, advances in technology, etc), and the desire to maintain cultural status quo. This collective “tightening grip” of Egoic peer pressure may actually encourage further development of the fringe societies who actively reject the Values, Rules, and Roles. This rejection elicits Tricksteresque behavioral deviance that may be considered disgusting, embarrassing, frustrating, annoying, or even threatening to the societal norm. Although the cultural institution is striving to bring the limit closer to the comfortably defined center, the original meaning of the prohibitions is blurred, lost, or is no longer necessary in the evolution of the culture.

It is the Collective Ego of modern Western culture that dictates we must all chase that elusive "American Dream." It's the cultural institution that dictates we must all try to get a good job, own a home, two cars, marry, and have children. It's the indoctrinated who feel threatened by those who refute these values... who neglect and reject anyone who doesn't conform to the subjective views of society. It's the people who are so entrenched in the Collective Ego of society that they cannot feel empathy, compassion, or acceptance for the Fringe Dwellers. They shelter themselves and their children from seeing the homeless... speak with contempt of those who choose non-conformist lifestyles... and get caught up in the "superior/inferior" dialogue of their own egos.

It really becomes interesting when the indoctrinated themselves also belong to a subculture that was once so far "outside the lines" of cultural normalcy that it was considered the Fringe.