I spent the afternoon working in the garden... late into the evening...
I watched the sky darken with rain clouds long before the sun made his descent.
The scent of rain is promising... the wind still whips through the valley, turning the night colder.
I've covered the tomatoes and peppers... it was the last thing I did before coming inside.
A lovely night for a storm
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Friday, March 28, 2008
Ego and Fear
Ego has no importance when you are living close to your Core. When you are living close to your Core, you are complete, whole, with all of your needs already met. But Ego is greedy; so it wants to keep your focus in the Walking World and other people. The more that Ego can keep us needing, wanting, desiring things outside ourselves, the more it can control us with fear.
To live close to your Core, you confront fear. It’s not always your own fear, but the fear of others: the ones who need you to need them, because they are controlled by the Ego’s fear. When you are whole inside your own Core, you live in a state of loving. You are complete. You don’t need anyone. And that scares people because they don’t have any way of binding you to them. They fear losing you. Then they just fear you.
They don’t understand because their Ego is so rooted in other people, they lose sight of their own Core. They create a false one that’s based on other people. It’s based on fulfilling other people’s needs and desires, or vice versa. When they have nothing to offer you that you don’t already get from yourself, they fear.
Stay close to your Core. Don’t give in to their fear, guilt, blame, shame. Don’t bother trying to explain, either. Most of the time they won’t get it. Most of the time they will not understand that from the position of Core you can love them truer and deeper than any place of need and Ego.
To live close to your Core, you confront fear. It’s not always your own fear, but the fear of others: the ones who need you to need them, because they are controlled by the Ego’s fear. When you are whole inside your own Core, you live in a state of loving. You are complete. You don’t need anyone. And that scares people because they don’t have any way of binding you to them. They fear losing you. Then they just fear you.
They don’t understand because their Ego is so rooted in other people, they lose sight of their own Core. They create a false one that’s based on other people. It’s based on fulfilling other people’s needs and desires, or vice versa. When they have nothing to offer you that you don’t already get from yourself, they fear.
Stay close to your Core. Don’t give in to their fear, guilt, blame, shame. Don’t bother trying to explain, either. Most of the time they won’t get it. Most of the time they will not understand that from the position of Core you can love them truer and deeper than any place of need and Ego.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
musing
The evening is cold and windy. More snow coming.
The snow still sits on Peavine, but my garden is already started. The shelves sitting behind me are green with fresh new starts, leaning and bending toward the window. pretty little things. I note idly that the cucumbers and corn will need to be re-potted and thinned before the end of the weekend. I need more shelves.
I picked up a few dozen nightcrawlers for the compost bin. Thankfully, the raven who's been visiting prefers the pile of manure in the back.
I've decided I'm not planting any flowers this year... well... except for the sunflowers for Laramie and the snapdragons for Cassi. My planters will be used for herbs, vegetables, and strawberries.
So much to do, so much to do.
But there's still snow on Peavine.
I'm stuffed from dinner... breakfast for dinner tonight... yum. Nothing beats fresh eggs to go with waffles and organic sausage.
The gander tells me that Laramie's home from her friend's house. He's such a funny bird.
The snow still sits on Peavine, but my garden is already started. The shelves sitting behind me are green with fresh new starts, leaning and bending toward the window. pretty little things. I note idly that the cucumbers and corn will need to be re-potted and thinned before the end of the weekend. I need more shelves.
I picked up a few dozen nightcrawlers for the compost bin. Thankfully, the raven who's been visiting prefers the pile of manure in the back.
I've decided I'm not planting any flowers this year... well... except for the sunflowers for Laramie and the snapdragons for Cassi. My planters will be used for herbs, vegetables, and strawberries.
So much to do, so much to do.
But there's still snow on Peavine.
I'm stuffed from dinner... breakfast for dinner tonight... yum. Nothing beats fresh eggs to go with waffles and organic sausage.
The gander tells me that Laramie's home from her friend's house. He's such a funny bird.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
recent trip to the hospital
I was sitting at my desk at work when my heart pounded hard for about four beats... then there was a tightening in my chest for a brief moment. My vision went warped... like someone smeared a painting with both hands... then it went gray... then black... then came back online, but everything looked 2-dimensional. I didn't feel "right"... so I stood up and walked over to my coworker's cubicle. My thought was that if something was very wrong, and I collapsed, it might be an hour or two before someone found me. I was a little light-headed, but not bad... but my legs just didn't seem to want to work in a coordinated fashion with the rest of my body. When I got to my coworker's cube and sat down, I told her what had happened. I noticed my speech was slow and slurred, but there wasn't anything I could do about it. I didn't consider the idea of a stroke... because I didn't have numbness on one side, or several of the other symptoms. My boss convinced me to go to Urgent Care, and they sent me to Emergency.
So... that's what happened...
The Docs did a CTSCAN, MRA/MRI, ultrasounds, stress test (that's just lovely, let me tell ya), echocardiogram, EEG, EKG, shot me up with radioactive isotopes (that's right, I'm radioactive), and a plethora of other tests.
The good news is.. they all came out clean
The bad news is... they all came out clean... so we have no idea why it happened.
What did happen? Well... the best theory the docs came up with is... my heart had a hiccup... probably due to anxiety/stress. During that hiccup, it fibrillated and caused the blood to pool in my heart... those hard thumps and chest tightening was pushing it out. It sent many small blood clots to my brain... which traveled down to the smaller arteries.
A true stroke is a blockage of a major artery to the brain that causes dysfunction of a large area of gray matter. During a TIA, the smaller clots cause blockage to smaller areas, leading to malfunction instead of complete dysfunction. Not as dangerous, though still a little unnerving. The automatic response of the body is to start dissolving those blood clots immediately... which is why the effects usually don't last for long. You still have some permanent loss of brain cells, but other parts of your brain tend to take over the function of the lost cells.
now...
A lot of people have said "omg, you must have been so scared..."
hmm....
no.... not really... on a scale of 1 to 10... one being nothing, five being anxious, and ten being peeing-your-pants... I'd rate my anxiety and concern at about a 4 at it's highest point... which was right after it all started. I went into "damage control mode" and really didn't feel anything over about a 2.5 after that.
I was concerned, but there was no "oh shit factor"... it was... "ok, let's deal with this, whatever this is going to be, and move on"
I was annoyed at having to stay in the hospital for so long. Not just because of the inconvenience to my (unhealthy) lifestyle as I let on to many who dropped by or called... the inability to smoke or have coffee... but because I've got a life planned LOL.
While I was in the MRI tube, I started to get a little freaked out. I'm a bit claustrophobic... but I noticed the sounds of the machine were very much like a drum beat... a nice trance beat... so I let myself go. What I found there is what I'd like to share with you. It's about the fear-factor that I mentioned above.
One of the reasons people can have a stroke (or TIA) is from stress and anxiety. Usually from fear. The fear of failure, the fear of loss, the fear of being passed up for that promotion, the fear of not getting everything handled before the deadline, the financial fears of living outside your means, the fear of the project not going as planned, the fear of letting people down, the fear of rejection or ridicule, etc. Any of those sound familiar?
How many of us are more afraid of Life than we are of Death?
Many of us, on the spiritual path we've chosen, deal with dying, death, and the spirits of the dead on a regular basis. And yet... how many of us still fear aspects of Life? is living scarier than dying?
Why should it be? Why fret over "shoulda-coulda-woulda's?" Why let "what-if's" keep you quagmired at status quo?
Step out on a limb. Don't fear failure. Do it. Whatever "it" is. If everyone played it safe all the time, we wouldn't have half what we do. If everyone gave up when they failed once, would we have these marvelous machines that allow us to talk like this, thousands of miles away? If everyone was afraid of getting themselves
emotionally invested, how many social programs and charities would there be?
I'm not talking about taking on too much... I'm not talking about making your life so crazy-busy that you can't breathe...
I'm talking about Life Without Fear.
Think about it.
When we get the most anxious is when we're not living in integrity.
When we cringe every time the phone rings with the fear that it's a creditor calling for money we spent on something else.
When we dread the alarm clock in the morning because we're going to a job we've come to despise.
When we decide to stay backstage because we're too afraid of stepping into the spotlight.
My energy has been scattered helterskelter. For the fear of letting a few people down, I've spread myself too thin to be effective anywhere.
Time to focus.
Time to let go of the fear that I may hurt someone's feelings if I'm just not there to do it one more time.
I'm not going to slow down. I'm not going to take it easy. I'm going to be choosy. but I'm going to dance on that proverbial limb until it bears fruit.
So... that's what happened...
The Docs did a CTSCAN, MRA/MRI, ultrasounds, stress test (that's just lovely, let me tell ya), echocardiogram, EEG, EKG, shot me up with radioactive isotopes (that's right, I'm radioactive), and a plethora of other tests.
The good news is.. they all came out clean
The bad news is... they all came out clean... so we have no idea why it happened.
What did happen? Well... the best theory the docs came up with is... my heart had a hiccup... probably due to anxiety/stress. During that hiccup, it fibrillated and caused the blood to pool in my heart... those hard thumps and chest tightening was pushing it out. It sent many small blood clots to my brain... which traveled down to the smaller arteries.
A true stroke is a blockage of a major artery to the brain that causes dysfunction of a large area of gray matter. During a TIA, the smaller clots cause blockage to smaller areas, leading to malfunction instead of complete dysfunction. Not as dangerous, though still a little unnerving. The automatic response of the body is to start dissolving those blood clots immediately... which is why the effects usually don't last for long. You still have some permanent loss of brain cells, but other parts of your brain tend to take over the function of the lost cells.
now...
A lot of people have said "omg, you must have been so scared..."
hmm....
no.... not really... on a scale of 1 to 10... one being nothing, five being anxious, and ten being peeing-your-pants... I'd rate my anxiety and concern at about a 4 at it's highest point... which was right after it all started. I went into "damage control mode" and really didn't feel anything over about a 2.5 after that.
I was concerned, but there was no "oh shit factor"... it was... "ok, let's deal with this, whatever this is going to be, and move on"
I was annoyed at having to stay in the hospital for so long. Not just because of the inconvenience to my (unhealthy) lifestyle as I let on to many who dropped by or called... the inability to smoke or have coffee... but because I've got a life planned LOL.
While I was in the MRI tube, I started to get a little freaked out. I'm a bit claustrophobic... but I noticed the sounds of the machine were very much like a drum beat... a nice trance beat... so I let myself go. What I found there is what I'd like to share with you. It's about the fear-factor that I mentioned above.
One of the reasons people can have a stroke (or TIA) is from stress and anxiety. Usually from fear. The fear of failure, the fear of loss, the fear of being passed up for that promotion, the fear of not getting everything handled before the deadline, the financial fears of living outside your means, the fear of the project not going as planned, the fear of letting people down, the fear of rejection or ridicule, etc. Any of those sound familiar?
How many of us are more afraid of Life than we are of Death?
Many of us, on the spiritual path we've chosen, deal with dying, death, and the spirits of the dead on a regular basis. And yet... how many of us still fear aspects of Life? is living scarier than dying?
Why should it be? Why fret over "shoulda-coulda-woulda's?" Why let "what-if's" keep you quagmired at status quo?
Step out on a limb. Don't fear failure. Do it. Whatever "it" is. If everyone played it safe all the time, we wouldn't have half what we do. If everyone gave up when they failed once, would we have these marvelous machines that allow us to talk like this, thousands of miles away? If everyone was afraid of getting themselves
emotionally invested, how many social programs and charities would there be?
I'm not talking about taking on too much... I'm not talking about making your life so crazy-busy that you can't breathe...
I'm talking about Life Without Fear.
Think about it.
When we get the most anxious is when we're not living in integrity.
When we cringe every time the phone rings with the fear that it's a creditor calling for money we spent on something else.
When we dread the alarm clock in the morning because we're going to a job we've come to despise.
When we decide to stay backstage because we're too afraid of stepping into the spotlight.
My energy has been scattered helterskelter. For the fear of letting a few people down, I've spread myself too thin to be effective anywhere.
Time to focus.
Time to let go of the fear that I may hurt someone's feelings if I'm just not there to do it one more time.
I'm not going to slow down. I'm not going to take it easy. I'm going to be choosy. but I'm going to dance on that proverbial limb until it bears fruit.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Pop Quiz
ok, kids... time for a pop quiz...
Let's say you see the neighbor trying to do what's obviously a 2-person job... struggling pretty hard trying to get it done. I see you laugh at the person's struggle.
What would I do?
A. Ignore it, because I don't like the neighbor anyway
B. Laugh along with you at the "Farmer Brown" wanna-be
C. Lecture and thank you for volunteering to go to the neighbor's to help.
Bonus Points:
What's the 2-word phrase I would expect to hear from you?
Correct response: "Yes, Ma'am."
Let's say you see the neighbor trying to do what's obviously a 2-person job... struggling pretty hard trying to get it done. I see you laugh at the person's struggle.
What would I do?
A. Ignore it, because I don't like the neighbor anyway
B. Laugh along with you at the "Farmer Brown" wanna-be
C. Lecture and thank you for volunteering to go to the neighbor's to help.
Bonus Points:
What's the 2-word phrase I would expect to hear from you?
Correct response: "Yes, Ma'am."
Sunday, May 13, 2007
ketchup
I've noticed an interesting pattern in humankind… a near arrogance regarding our perceptions, preconceptions, and the conclusions we draw from it.
Take for instance: the hamburger.
If it's thick and red and on a hamburger, it must be ketchup, right? Everyone knows that. Everyone knows that ketchup goes on hamburgers. That's the way it always is. That's the way it's always done. That's what everybody does.
Well… let someone take a bite of mine, and they will be surprised… because, the only condiment that I'll put on my burger that's red is seafood cocktail sauce.
I've been reminded that just because it looks like ketchup, and historically it's been ketchup… don't mean it is ketchup.
Take for instance: the hamburger.
If it's thick and red and on a hamburger, it must be ketchup, right? Everyone knows that. Everyone knows that ketchup goes on hamburgers. That's the way it always is. That's the way it's always done. That's what everybody does.
Well… let someone take a bite of mine, and they will be surprised… because, the only condiment that I'll put on my burger that's red is seafood cocktail sauce.
I've been reminded that just because it looks like ketchup, and historically it's been ketchup… don't mean it is ketchup.
Friday, March 2, 2007
so...
my first blog post here...
My daughter was talking to me tonight about how I have someone in my life... and she said something along the lines of "you have someone, so you're whole, you're complete"
ppfffftttt
I'm reminded of a quote from the movie Cool Runnings...
"If you're not enough without it, you'll never be enough with it..."
Now the movie was talking about an Olympic Gold Medal... but... how many things in our lives can we apply this to? a fast car... a big house... a big roll in our wallets... a relationship...
oooOOOoooo lions and tigers and bears oh my!
The beauty of being me is... I'm enough. I'm just right to be me.
... and there's a few people out there who think I'm pretty cool.
My daughter was talking to me tonight about how I have someone in my life... and she said something along the lines of "you have someone, so you're whole, you're complete"
ppfffftttt
I'm reminded of a quote from the movie Cool Runnings...
"If you're not enough without it, you'll never be enough with it..."
Now the movie was talking about an Olympic Gold Medal... but... how many things in our lives can we apply this to? a fast car... a big house... a big roll in our wallets... a relationship...
oooOOOoooo lions and tigers and bears oh my!
The beauty of being me is... I'm enough. I'm just right to be me.
... and there's a few people out there who think I'm pretty cool.
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