Living Without Fear

Back in October 2007, I had a stroke. A TIA to be exact. It's when the body throws several small blood clots instead of one big one. Just as dangerous and possibly debilitating.
I'm re-posting some of my reaction to the stroke (from my other blog)... because I think there are some others who could benefit from what I had to say

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A lot of people have said "omg, you must have been so scared..."
hmm....
no.... not really... on a scale of 1 to 10... one being nothing, five being anxious, and ten being peeing-your-pants... I'd rate my anxiety and concern at about a 4 at it's highest point... which was right after it all started. I went into "damage control mode" and really didn't feel anything over about a 2.5 after that. I was concerned, but there was no "oh shit factor"... it was... "ok, let's deal with this, whatever this is going to be, and move on"

One of the reasons people can have a stroke (or TIA) is from stress and anxiety. Usually from fear.
The fear of failure, the fear of loss, the fear of being passed up for that promotion, the fear of not getting everything handled before the deadline, the financial fears of living outside your means, the fear of the project not going as planned, the fear of letting people down, the fear of rejection or ridicule, etc.

Any of those sound familiar?

How many of us are more afraid of Life than we are of Death?
Many of us, on the spiritual path we've chosen, deal with dying, death, and the spirits of the dead on a regular basis.
And yet... how many of us still fear aspects of Life? is living scarier than dying?
Why should it be? Why fret over "shoulda-coulda-woulda's?"
Why let "what-if's" keep you quagmired at status quo?

Step out on a limb.
Don't fear failure.
Do it. Whatever "it" is.
If everyone played it safe all the time, we wouldn't have half what we do. If everyone gave up when they failed once, would we have these marvelous machines that allow us to talk like this, thousands of miles away? If everyone was afraid of getting themselves emotionally invested, how many social programs and charities would there be?
I'm not talking about taking on too much... I'm not talking about making your life so crazy-busy that you can't breathe...

I'm talking about Life Without Fear.

Think about it.

When we get the most anxious is when we're not living in integrity.
When we cringe every time the phone rings with the fear that it's a creditor calling for money we spent on something else.
When we dread the alarm clock in the morning because we're going to a job we've come to despise.
When we decide to stay backstage because we're too afraid of stepping into the spotlight.

My energy has been scattered helterskelter. For the fear of letting a few people down, I've spread myself too thin to be effective anywhere.
Time to focus.
Time to let go of the fear that I may hurt someone's feelings if I'm just not there to do it one more time.

I'm not going to slow down. I'm not going to take it easy. I'm going to be choosy. but I'm going to dance on that proverbial limb until it bears fruit.

Blessed

I'm feeling incredibly blessed today.
I found out that yet another one of my friend's lives has been affected by the economic downturn. Another home has been taken by another bank.
I'm so lucky. When David and I were purchasing this house, the loan officers tried to get us to "negotiate a better interest rate" and we said no. I remembered what I learned in my Economics classes... and I would have no talk of balloon payments, adjustable interest rates, or any of that. I wanted to know that I could depend on the same payment every month... no hedging bets... no adding on to the mortgage to make improvements.
There are so many I know who got caught in one of those traps... I can't tell you how saddened I am for them.
No, I'm still not working... but I was lucky there, too... I took the package from IGT... and I know so many who didn't... who were given nothing when they were laid off.
The money from the package is gone, but my hope is not.
This incredible turn of events has been a spiritual awakening for me as much as anything else... and I'm grateful for that.
While my children have come back home, and we are now juggling space with the combined households, it's been an adventure in personal development.

Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride...

lil mama

We're sitting here watching videos and laughing.

Dia let out a sigh, put her hands over her face and proclaimed, "I am not seeing this."

Then, with a grand gesture, she asked in an exasperated voice, "Who's the adult here, guys?"

I about gave myself a hernia from laughing.

How to tell when you watch too many movies

So, I'm sitting in a restaurant with Dia... some guys come in wearing camouflage... she says, " 'ans-formers!"

I say, "huh?"

She repeats " 'ans-formers!" points to one of the soldiers and asks "Where's da 'ans-formers?"

I blinked a couple times, realizing what she's saying, and replied, "Oh, honey, I don't think they have any Transformers with them."

By this time, one of the guys within earshot is b-u-s-t-ing up!

How to tell when...

How to tell when you watch too many detective/cop shows, like CSI and NCIS...

When the two-year-old in the house starts interrogating her stuffed animals.

you know you're a smartass when...

I was standing on a step-stool in the laundry room, paint roller in hand, when a friend comes in and asks, "Painting in here today?"

My first reaction was to say, "Nope, dusting for really big fingerprints."

Small Talk

Let me tell ya... this whole "personal networking" is gonna drive me crazy.

I'm not really good at writing letters... or notes... or phone calls... or... well, I'm not very good at keeping in contact period.
Ok.
To say I'm "not very good at it" is kinda like saying "Casper is a little pale."

I downright suck at it.

I'm not good at small talk. I can write about research that I've done, things I've learned or experienced, and all that *waves hands around* lofty, conceptual stuff. I can do that easily. But to engage in talk about simple, mundane, daily life... is so incredibly tedious that it takes me hOUrs... and I end up playing games instead.

But... here's the latest update from the household...

The juvenile hens are almost mature and laying... the chicks are now juveniles.
The goose is still an ass... and the rooster is starting to get a little plucky.
The garden is doing well... the first run of peas are almost ready to be replaced... the strawberries are running amok... and the tomatoes are bushing well.

I'm almost ready to start teaching classes... the kids are fine... David's still David (I don't think he'll ever be fine or ok)...

Yeah... I suck at this.